Self Inflicted Pain

I wanted someone to help me define myself,
Instead you left to turn to the Air hoping that it would find you a conclusion,
And left me and my darkness to share each other and gave me no one else,
But is it just me or did it lead you no where to seemingly endless pollution?
And filled you with a vast amount of no solution,

Although it still hurts and I still bleed,
And bitterness I find resides within me,
For my bitterness I do ask you to forgive,
And these pains I am feeling I do not want you seeing,
I do forgive you and this burden you bear I do ask you to let go,
Those past feelings I don't blame you for not knowing how I felt,
For when it came down to it I did not know how to show my feelings either,
And my feelings I should have gotten over and not just dwelt,

It was better for you to just walk away from me as you became so good,
It hurt like hell and upon you I did dwell,
Me just trying to end the pain onto cruel spikes I fell,
Should have taken me but some how it sparred this life,
If nothing else would work I chose the knife,
Gave me the release I needed,
And comatosed through this life I proceeded,

But watching you hurt yourself was more painful than I imagined,
I thought your pain would kill me,
It was later when I realized it was the pain I felt for you that helped heal me,
One day I would see you again and that I started believing,
So I dedicated my life to breath and just continue living,
Later searching but never finding you,
My world had finally ended at last,
And my life I had surpassed,
Seemed as though I had nothing to live for anymore,
This world held no validity,
Drowning myself wasn't easy among a world of possibility,
But this life I no longer wanted if I didn't have you,
So I washed myself and my sanity away in my stupidity,

But something in me made me fight for more,
And years later I lay here worse than when you left me,
I see now that I choose my feelings and it's not you at all...it's me,
And I was screwing myself up and my mind was full of my obscurity,
I'm the one that gave myself away to someone who didn't want me,
It was my choice to listen to my heart and I made myself this badly broken apart,

I lead myself into that trap full of sickness and disease,
You have nothing to ask forgiveness for,
But my heart I do not think can take much more,
So if I am who you want than please give me space,
I can't promise anything for right now I can't remember my name,
And myself and the underworld feel interlaced,

I guess it all comes down to me and my insecurity,
But one thing I can promise you is that I don't want to be hurt,
And I most of all don't want you to keep hurting unfairly,
And what I write above now is all I can truly guarantee.

Ashamed, but Truthful.

There is this part of me that you shall never see,
This part of me that I can't stand to face myself,
I am my enemy and one day I will defeat me,

I like to think of it as a shape with an endless amount of sides,
And with so many different sides there is darkness within that lies,
Not able to define anything from another,
Just waiting for someone to save me,
Just hang me I'm suffocating,
Barely breathing inside,
It will never be alright,
Always lifeless never breathing,
But never letting go or ending,
I need a hand to help me hold on,
Everything is dark this feels so wrong,
This life I find myself in I don't belong,

All these different things that I don't know how to show,
Not always dirty or vile,
But yet I can let it be seen by none,
Yet sucking the life out of me is still taking awhile,
Who I am was never meant to be,
And this life is taking so long to consume me,

I am addicted to my pain for it's my only antidote,
It heals me and yet takes me life away,
There is no recovery forever I search and never find a remedy,
And yet I find myself randomly gaining my victory,
Even though all I want to do is end this pain and let go,
Damn why is this so painful to just let myself and you go
I am bleeding in so many different ways,
And I think light is coming for I am running out of days,
Blackness clouding my vision this is starting to be a comforting rhythm,
When I leave this place I find that you're the only person I would truly miss,
But I can't help you find your purpose for mine is not here with you,
For me I will allude you and the darkness is so enticing with such a beautiful kiss,

It would be best for you to forget me,
I will only draw you closer and then hurt you in the end,
Step on you rip your heart out of your chest,
Forgive me but I swear that forgetfulness is the best,
I will come back and haunt you until you kill yourself,
And then I will proceed to murder you among the under world.
It will be sooner than you would guess,
And more of a surprise than you would like to think,
But as I rip your heart out of your chest me you will regret,
I don't want to leave you without my love,
This hurts me more than it hurts you to watch you suffer like this,
But I am sorry for I am going to hell and you shall fly above,
That lost look in your eyes when you look my way,
I find it hard to say,
But your sorrow is entertaining to me and this heartless play I cannot resist,
For I warned you before I was only going to hurt you and it was all painful play,

The perfection that I once tried to achieve,
Well lets just say it never appeared to me all that people made it out to be,
My sanity was lost within you for you have stolen it from me and I have given it freely,
But I find excellence when I look into your eyes,
Within you I see beauty that I never obtained,
I am a loser so you need to be everything I never could,
But then again I haven't done much to help myself so I shouldn't have rightfully complained,
Me just hanging myself and getting older,
My life that some hold so dearly well I do believe it's my life is over,

I hate feeling like this,
Just try to sleep and let it rein me in at night,
These dark corrupting angels steal my breathe to fight,
These fears of sleep so undesired,
These ghosts that devour me even in the light,
But my muscles remain sleepless,
I know if I don't sleep or rest death of me will get the best,
This darkness that consumes me I did not freely invite,
Things running through my head...bones, blood and scarlet red,
Memories and regrets I cannot seem to shed,
So much fragments of myself so much confusion everywhere,
These dark images that cloud my vision I find so hard to bear,
No peace within my being forever my soul fleeing,
The reasons behind sleeplessness I am unaware,
Me and my restlessness forever disagreeing,

I am handing myself over to you,
Just give me a shot to the head,
I am giving you an opportunity of a life time,
It's not murder so don't see it as a crime,
Make sure the death certificate looks real,
For this pain needs to end,
It's me or you baby and this pain is killing me anyways it's all I feel,
There is no escape so stop telling me this feeling will pass,
My insides are ripped apart and shattered among pieces of glass,
Stop lying to me just stop this pain and give me my victory,
There is no future so stop making me go through this torture chamber,
Don't tell me I'll get over this just like I did the last,
For it's obvious you don't know what I'm going through or how I felt in the past,
Besides you never know what lies under your feet until you let yourself go,
And the monster that is within me...yes we shall have a blast together playing with spirits at-last,
The cannibal that I can finally me eats my flesh away,
It was claiming for years now and I knew that this would happen one day,

No more crying no more pain,
For this life you have slain,
Upon my permission you have taken my life,
After all I have always wanted this and this I finally shall have,
You're above in every way possible,
And who you are I have always loved but forever I shall be below and you will remain above.
This is the way it has to be and this it shall stay,
It's called tough love and my love shall never be taken away,
But my life has to go,
My blood dripping and dying is too slow without a weapon,
Please understand I love you always but this had to happen.

Who You are and Who I Want to Be.

Give em' some cocaine,
Give em' some alcohol,
I need it just to get through today,
I am having withdrawal.

Walking along the same street every damn day,
Being a telemarketer faking my life away,
Leaving you no time for love and fame,
Fuck this job it gets shit for pay,

Spending every extra dime on girls and booze,
Realizing with a blow to your chest,
There is a dilemma and you had to choose,
No sleep at night so damn hard to rest,

Life's taking it's toll and dragging you down,
Wearing makeup to hide your eyes,
Looking less like a human more like a motherfucking clown,

Your eyes are the key to your soul,
Such a young sexy man so out of control,
Caring, attractive and so sensitive,
So willing to share your booze and smokes,
An awesome sense of humor never running out of jokes,

Making people laugh but keeping concealed inside,
Don't be ashamed to show who you are,
No need to wear a masquerade nothing bad to hide,

Do what you're good at fuck with the town,
Wear the latest hot trends,
Hang around the right crowds and you wont offend,
Stick around your peeps and all your fans,
Go to hard concerts and jackoff with the bands,

Don't stay in one spot no need to linger,
If someone has a problem with who you are,
Give em' the shocker and flip em' the finger.

The Predator

Guarding myself from the lust of the other,
Feeling so sick and self conscious,
As I look into the eyes of the hunter,

I have seen this look before from another,
Knowing that he never wanted my love,
But all of me, my body, me, my virginity,

I have promised myself to only one -to my Love.
I belong to only him,
And for him I want to be as pure as the Dove,

Staying here and feeling unsafe,
He always watching but never my eyes,
He says he does not see me in that way,
But those are lies and his actions give him away,

Wearing more and more clothes that cover me,
But knowing from the past that that did not protect me from my enemy,
I don’t want another mans hands upon me,
This is wrong, why can’s he see?

I hate this more and more,
I hate being alone,
I hate the nights,
Knowing that someone unknown could open the door,
And nothing would remain the same as before,

That’s what I find myself fearing most,
That lustful looks in his eye,
That longing look on his face,
And stealing something that could never be replaced.

Witnessing The Unjustifiable.

He only having one bullet,
Looking at his life,
Death or Defeat,
You or the other,
Killing you or your brother,

Standing 6 feet from the gun,
I holding one simple blade,
Pondering if there's time enough...
To grab the others life and take it away,

Before he could move one way or the other,
The shot he fired,
With a bullet in your chest,
And blood where you lay,
Still warm...but yet fading away.

A pulse missing,
Your heart beat skipping,
Life taken on private ground,
Under selfish ways you're found,

Washing yourself could never wash your sins away,
All together you're deemed sinful,
The laws in writing you failed to obey,
It wasn't your given right to take your brothers wife,
She was still his upon sworn words,

Your brother stood in the way of his girl,
Unfaithful as she was found,
Breaking the wedding vows that were bound,
Both of you leaving shameful memories upon your bed,
As he lay dying those thoughts he knew were in his head,

His wife crying over her lovers body,
Her husband standing still holding the gun,
He lets it fall,
Holds his head in his hands,
With the realization of his brothers death,
Although sinful he never wanted to end his life,
His brothers lover...his unfaithful wife.

Receives a suicide call of shame,
Saying everything was on her,
And she was all to blame,

Her husband finds her body broken apart,
Upon the kitchen floor,
Holding a knife in her breast,
A pool of blood flowing from the tile,
In scarlet she wrote with her hand:
This was all for the best,

Going on with life wasn't easy,
But never did he think it would be like this without his girl,
All those memories...that could never be left behind,
Not with his girl on his mind,

Years passed,
But he just indulged himself in alcohol
He could still see her blood stain on the floor,
Everything in his head just as clear as before,

At 1:00am,
Too intoxicated as he was,
He took the same gun that was used before,
Loaded...he shot...once more,
The bottle in his left hand hit the floor,
Stumbling he slipped upon the alcohol to the floor,
A bullet clear through his heart,
Eyes hazed and body tore,

Two scarlet stains remain,
Others never knowing what from,
Never knowing two selfish lives they claimed.

Guilty Pleasure

I know you’re not asking for my advice,
And truthfully I don’t know what to say,
Your sin is not any worse than the other but they all eat away at you like lice,
For everything there is a consequence and a price,

The mind is weak the heart is frail,
The lusts of the body will always show great appeal,
Once you head down that dark engaging trail,
There will always be a time you win and a time you fail,

Becoming enticed,
And soon after losing control,
Then making sacrifices,
Just to feed the addiction all for your satisfaction,

One feels left out and secluded,
Does it help to know that we believe in you?
No one should have to go through something alone,
There is always the one who throws the first stone,

Its an endless addiction,
Always wanting what you can’t have,
Always impure and forever forbidden,
No matter how far you go you will never be satisfied,
And having something wrong to keep concealed and hide,

Going on in this guilty pleasure,
It begins to saturate and destroy the good person that you once were,
There is no sin that is little at measure,

Listen to His voice,
We all face the same lust,
Again and again a never ending cycle of sin,
You have a choice,

Wipe those lustful images away from your vision,
Violate them no longer,
The flag you raise and gain your victory,
Sinfully fulfilling your passions is history.

Murder

Blood falls
To the carpeted floor,
They look at each other once more,

A gun to his head, a knife to his wife,
The vows earlier this dark day meant everything,
Their rings mean nothing no more,
No one to keep their promise for.

Trying to keep breathing,
Feeling death creeping.

Saying a forever goodbye was never how they imagined,
Never did they think it would end like this,
This was never in their pictures of marriage bliss,


Her white lace now turns to red,
His beautiful body lays life-less upon their unity bed.

Breathing no longer, death covers over.
Bodies covered by a white cloth,
On a cold table.

The label of their death read:
Serial Mass Murder, Leaves Two Dead.

Wearing black, family and friends gather round’,
As their bodies lower into the ground,
Relatives tears fall forever more,
As they picture the couples beautiful wedding,
Played upon the sandy beach floor.
Only one week before.

Scarlet, scented pedals fall, dirt covers over.
A weighted stone is placed into the ground,
Lacking light all around.

The leaves fall, the year fades into a new.

Never did they find who committed this unforgivable crime.

Becoming What You Fear

Crying alone in this dark enclosed room.
Knowing in my head no peace is to come, I'll have to face him soon.

Facing reality isn't as easy as before, but I can't ignore him anymore
I run, but only to find no end to this pain,
I step down and give myself in and let him take me over,
It's past his reign.

Pain and sorrow is all that's left of me.
A bleeding suffering carcass, it consumes me.
Emptiness fills me, but no one escapes free of cost,
And me and my soul our lost.

He crawls from below, bearing his teeth, dripping with liquid flesh.
Wearing a wreath of bones upon his head.
Eyes red, body black.

A cloak surrounds his tall form making my eyes strain to see him.
I knife he holds in his right hand, silver blade coming closer to the skin,
Shrinking under his touch, cold and hard the blade feels.

Bleeding as he cuts farther in.
No sound or movement around,
No one to save me, too weak to move.
Falling into hazy abyss, can't get a breathe.

I see under me a flood of thick scarlet liquid, a knife laying where my body had just been.
I couldn't do it anymore.

I lay lifeless,
Lacking everything you thought I should poses, I am now everything of what you wanted.
I am no more, I have shed my blood upon the tiled floor.
Waited for this time, suffering no longer.

To sleep without images of you, I sleep knowing I failed in your eyes,
I don't have to hear you scream my name with hate, lust and lies.

You know you can't leave for a better place,
I'll be watching as you drown, feeding upon your flesh as I take you down.
You brought this on yourself,
You taught me all too well how to make you bleed, suffer in pain.

You fed among the weak and the weary.
Your pain has only just begun, worse than I -you will become.

It Was All So Clear

Becoming like you was always my fear,
Everything you did was all so clear,
All was out of fear,

When I try to talk,
You just slam me to the ground,
At your feet I lay after being drug around,

Broken and lost to the floor once more,
You take your anger out on me,
You feel like you’ve been set free,
I lay there and I plea,
But then it all comes clear,
That you never gave sh*t about me,

I go to you,
I just want someone to cry on,
But I’m just another pawn
You use my weakness,
As just another grip you hold me,
I grow cold,

You got me, you bought me,
Now I ask you to please just shoot me,
I don’t want you to pollute me,

But no,
You just want to use and abuse me,
As you play your same old game,
My soul I was claimed,
I’m done crying,
I’m done lying,

He showed me a door,
That there was so much more,
I walk out that door,
To see you no more,
You’re in the past,
Out of my life you will last,

I hope you see what you’ve done,
I hope you eat this web that you’ve spun,

But then I hope you see the truth,
For I am proof that you never gave a damn about your youth,

I’m afraid I lost my honor, respect and love from all of the above.
I don’t hold it against you,
But I can never forget it,
As much as I could try it would all just be a lie.

His Deception

For an Angel you sought,
But Satan you got,

As the Devil he got you,
His words were smooth,
Your heart he soothed,
You sold yourself to him,
For you have sinned,
You have given yourself in,

You don’t see what’s going on,
You don’t know you’ve been bought,
You don’t realize what he has brought,

You believe with all your heart you’re right,
You believe you have found the light,
But you’ve been deceived,
Into darkness he will lead,
And you shall never be freed,

He will take you down,
All to watch you drown,
You don’t see,
You don’t think you should flee,

You feel welcome where you are,
Just love and comfort so far,
But none of this is real,
It’s all his appeal what you feel,

None of this will last,
As you drink from his flask,
You’re drinking in his deception and lies,
You fell for his cries,

As you give yourself away,
You see the bright light turn grey,
You try to run,
But he’s just beginning with his fun,

He has turned you away,
From ever seeing the light of day,
There you lay as he eats his prey,

As you bought his dead,
Into darkness he will lead,
On your flesh he will feed,
Forever more fulfilling his greed,

There ends your day,
As you’re set into clay,

I Will Never Give Up

This is I,
This is who I am,
This is who I am when I’m with you,
I am free,
Free to be me,
Cause you’re not ashamed of who I be,
You listened,
You cared,
That meant more to me than could ever compare.
You’re all that I ever think of,
You’re who I look up to most,
You helped me get though,
You never gave up on me,
Even when I did.
I didn’t think I could ever be,
I never thought I would be able to see.
And I could never without who you be.
Without you words of comfort,
Without your advice,
Advice to move forward,
Advice to let go and look up,
For you were right,
He was the only way,
The only way I could ever be,
From who I was to who I be,
I was set free,
You knew who He was,
And you still have a place within He.

You feel lost now,
You think you’re alone in what you feel
Well you’re wrong,
I feel lost without you,
You’re all that’s ever on my mind,
You’re all that I will never leave behind,
I wanna; be with you,
I hope you feel the same too.

I cry out cause I don’t know where you are,
I don’t know what to do for you,
I cry to Him to ask to keep you within,
For I am never going to give up on you,
As you never did me,

I will call to Him until that feeling is lost,
Lost among good.
I know through all this that you feel,
You feel alone, lost and betrayed.
But suicide will never take that away,
You can’t use that knife,
All it will do is take your life,
So put away the knife,
You can’t take your own life.

If we could never be together,
I promise my love for you is forever,
I will never give up on you.

I will always have you to thank,
Thank for caring,
For caring if I lived or died.
Thanks for helping me though,
Through you I saw Him.
I will never give up,
As neither will He,
You can be free,
You need to flee from what you see,
Cause this is not who you be.

Without you I am not me,
And could never be,

I will never give up,
I’m still waiting here,
And will always be,
Until you come back for me.
And are set free.

Our Troops, who sacrificed it all.

They go off and fight,
Fight for our country,
For our freedom,
So we can live,
So we can still breathe air,

They lose their lives for our nation,
They pass so we can keep our freedom,
They die for us.

We stay safe at home,
While they train to be deadly weapons,
While they go though hell,
We just sit and watch the news,
The news of more of our brothers and sons,
Sisters and daughters dying.
They gave everything for us.

We lay soft asleep,
With the comfort that we are being protected,
We can close our eyes
And know that will wake up to breath once again.

They go and leave their families,
Leave everything that they ever knew,
Leave the people that they may never see again.

They gamble their lives for us,
They risk it all.

We need to look at what we have,
For we have our lives, and thank them for it.
For you yourself are not brave enough,
Brave enough to go off to war,
Brave enough to give yourself to the unknown,
Brave enough to shorten your life,
For our fallen country.

The least we could do is pray,
Pray for their safety,
Pray that they come home,
Pray for their lives…as they give us ours.

They are truly our heroes,
And may we never forget it.

I Have Won

Hey, yeah,
Why should I care, you never did.
You were to busy wrapped up in yourself to notice anyone else.
Yeah, that’s you.
But now I’m gone and now you’ll see that I never cared.
Yeah, I was just using you all this time.
Hey, yeah. Then I left you.
Took a bullet to the brain, I’m gone.
Yeah, I left you just to cause you pain.
Yeah that’s right, you got it,
You took it all, as was intended.
Hey, you’ll fall under all the weight,
That I dropped upon you.
Hey, yeah,
I’ll just be watching you try, laughing as you fail.
Yeah,
I made it like this all for you,
All to watch you go down with me,
Down into the black.
Yeah, you’re struggling now.
This is what I waited for, ohhh yeah.
I set this upon you,
I left, so you would have to take it all,
And FALL!
As you fall I’m down here, yeah watching it all.
I’ll meet you at hells fiery gates,
With a knife, just to stab you in the back one last time.
Yeah, hey look.
There you go now,
Just keep falling cause’ I’ll just keep watching.
I told you that we’d meet again,
But you didn’t believe me,
And you didn’t think I would have faked it all this time,
Just to get you here, just to watch you die
Yeah, you got it. Face it now. You’re gonna’ have to.
Because I’m the devils son,
And even my father is not ashamed of what I’ve done.
Because I have won…I have WON!

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry that I never trusted you,
But you never gave me a reason to.
Sorry that I left,
But I knew nothing else to do,
I didn’t think I could handle it any longer,
Handle the way you put me down,
The way you never listened,
The way you never cared.
I tried to be strong,
I tried to hold on,
I hung on for a while,
Then I had to let go, it was best.
My choice was never to leave you like this,
I wanted to go on, I wanted to move forward.
But I had nothing to look to, it was gone.
You took everything, you took it all,
And threw it away,
Everything that I gave you, everything that I was,
You stole me, and all that I could ever be.
Now you miss me,
But only cause you can’t use me any longer.
I’m gone; no one can bring me back,
You cast me out, used me and then gave me away.
I had a chance, but no longer do I.
I’m sorry it had to be this way,
I’m sorry you took everything away.
But now you can have what you wanted,
Everything, all of me.
You can lay me in the ground now,
Cause my body is now cold, my eyes are closed.
Don’t cry, for this lay at your feet,
Blame yourself for your tears,
For all the pain you made me feel, you never cried before,
The reason you cry is that you can’t inflict pain upon me anymore.
Cry for yourself, for you’re going to pay.
Now that I’m gone,
You’re going to have to live with what you’ve done.
You’ll see one day that I wasn’t worth it,
You stole everything and lost it all.
It’s time to say goodbye.
But one day I will welcome you,
For I did not go to the place I wanted,
And God knows you wont either.
You made this, I tried to warn you,
But you just cut me down and wouldn’t listen.
One day he will hunt you, catch you,
Rip you, make you bleed,
Take your life and drag you under,
Forever he will feed.
As he did me.
As you did me,
For you are one and the same.
And it's only yourself you have to blame.
I’m sorry you brought this upon yourself.
I'm sorry...