Self Inflicted Pain

I wanted someone to help me define myself,
Instead you left to turn to the Air hoping that it would find you a conclusion,
And left me and my darkness to share each other and gave me no one else,
But is it just me or did it lead you no where to seemingly endless pollution?
And filled you with a vast amount of no solution,

Although it still hurts and I still bleed,
And bitterness I find resides within me,
For my bitterness I do ask you to forgive,
And these pains I am feeling I do not want you seeing,
I do forgive you and this burden you bear I do ask you to let go,
Those past feelings I don't blame you for not knowing how I felt,
For when it came down to it I did not know how to show my feelings either,
And my feelings I should have gotten over and not just dwelt,

It was better for you to just walk away from me as you became so good,
It hurt like hell and upon you I did dwell,
Me just trying to end the pain onto cruel spikes I fell,
Should have taken me but some how it sparred this life,
If nothing else would work I chose the knife,
Gave me the release I needed,
And comatosed through this life I proceeded,

But watching you hurt yourself was more painful than I imagined,
I thought your pain would kill me,
It was later when I realized it was the pain I felt for you that helped heal me,
One day I would see you again and that I started believing,
So I dedicated my life to breath and just continue living,
Later searching but never finding you,
My world had finally ended at last,
And my life I had surpassed,
Seemed as though I had nothing to live for anymore,
This world held no validity,
Drowning myself wasn't easy among a world of possibility,
But this life I no longer wanted if I didn't have you,
So I washed myself and my sanity away in my stupidity,

But something in me made me fight for more,
And years later I lay here worse than when you left me,
I see now that I choose my feelings and it's not you at all...it's me,
And I was screwing myself up and my mind was full of my obscurity,
I'm the one that gave myself away to someone who didn't want me,
It was my choice to listen to my heart and I made myself this badly broken apart,

I lead myself into that trap full of sickness and disease,
You have nothing to ask forgiveness for,
But my heart I do not think can take much more,
So if I am who you want than please give me space,
I can't promise anything for right now I can't remember my name,
And myself and the underworld feel interlaced,

I guess it all comes down to me and my insecurity,
But one thing I can promise you is that I don't want to be hurt,
And I most of all don't want you to keep hurting unfairly,
And what I write above now is all I can truly guarantee.

Ashamed, but Truthful.

There is this part of me that you shall never see,
This part of me that I can't stand to face myself,
I am my enemy and one day I will defeat me,

I like to think of it as a shape with an endless amount of sides,
And with so many different sides there is darkness within that lies,
Not able to define anything from another,
Just waiting for someone to save me,
Just hang me I'm suffocating,
Barely breathing inside,
It will never be alright,
Always lifeless never breathing,
But never letting go or ending,
I need a hand to help me hold on,
Everything is dark this feels so wrong,
This life I find myself in I don't belong,

All these different things that I don't know how to show,
Not always dirty or vile,
But yet I can let it be seen by none,
Yet sucking the life out of me is still taking awhile,
Who I am was never meant to be,
And this life is taking so long to consume me,

I am addicted to my pain for it's my only antidote,
It heals me and yet takes me life away,
There is no recovery forever I search and never find a remedy,
And yet I find myself randomly gaining my victory,
Even though all I want to do is end this pain and let go,
Damn why is this so painful to just let myself and you go
I am bleeding in so many different ways,
And I think light is coming for I am running out of days,
Blackness clouding my vision this is starting to be a comforting rhythm,
When I leave this place I find that you're the only person I would truly miss,
But I can't help you find your purpose for mine is not here with you,
For me I will allude you and the darkness is so enticing with such a beautiful kiss,

It would be best for you to forget me,
I will only draw you closer and then hurt you in the end,
Step on you rip your heart out of your chest,
Forgive me but I swear that forgetfulness is the best,
I will come back and haunt you until you kill yourself,
And then I will proceed to murder you among the under world.
It will be sooner than you would guess,
And more of a surprise than you would like to think,
But as I rip your heart out of your chest me you will regret,
I don't want to leave you without my love,
This hurts me more than it hurts you to watch you suffer like this,
But I am sorry for I am going to hell and you shall fly above,
That lost look in your eyes when you look my way,
I find it hard to say,
But your sorrow is entertaining to me and this heartless play I cannot resist,
For I warned you before I was only going to hurt you and it was all painful play,

The perfection that I once tried to achieve,
Well lets just say it never appeared to me all that people made it out to be,
My sanity was lost within you for you have stolen it from me and I have given it freely,
But I find excellence when I look into your eyes,
Within you I see beauty that I never obtained,
I am a loser so you need to be everything I never could,
But then again I haven't done much to help myself so I shouldn't have rightfully complained,
Me just hanging myself and getting older,
My life that some hold so dearly well I do believe it's my life is over,

I hate feeling like this,
Just try to sleep and let it rein me in at night,
These dark corrupting angels steal my breathe to fight,
These fears of sleep so undesired,
These ghosts that devour me even in the light,
But my muscles remain sleepless,
I know if I don't sleep or rest death of me will get the best,
This darkness that consumes me I did not freely invite,
Things running through my head...bones, blood and scarlet red,
Memories and regrets I cannot seem to shed,
So much fragments of myself so much confusion everywhere,
These dark images that cloud my vision I find so hard to bear,
No peace within my being forever my soul fleeing,
The reasons behind sleeplessness I am unaware,
Me and my restlessness forever disagreeing,

I am handing myself over to you,
Just give me a shot to the head,
I am giving you an opportunity of a life time,
It's not murder so don't see it as a crime,
Make sure the death certificate looks real,
For this pain needs to end,
It's me or you baby and this pain is killing me anyways it's all I feel,
There is no escape so stop telling me this feeling will pass,
My insides are ripped apart and shattered among pieces of glass,
Stop lying to me just stop this pain and give me my victory,
There is no future so stop making me go through this torture chamber,
Don't tell me I'll get over this just like I did the last,
For it's obvious you don't know what I'm going through or how I felt in the past,
Besides you never know what lies under your feet until you let yourself go,
And the monster that is within me...yes we shall have a blast together playing with spirits at-last,
The cannibal that I can finally me eats my flesh away,
It was claiming for years now and I knew that this would happen one day,

No more crying no more pain,
For this life you have slain,
Upon my permission you have taken my life,
After all I have always wanted this and this I finally shall have,
You're above in every way possible,
And who you are I have always loved but forever I shall be below and you will remain above.
This is the way it has to be and this it shall stay,
It's called tough love and my love shall never be taken away,
But my life has to go,
My blood dripping and dying is too slow without a weapon,
Please understand I love you always but this had to happen.

Who You are and Who I Want to Be.

Give em' some cocaine,
Give em' some alcohol,
I need it just to get through today,
I am having withdrawal.

Walking along the same street every damn day,
Being a telemarketer faking my life away,
Leaving you no time for love and fame,
Fuck this job it gets shit for pay,

Spending every extra dime on girls and booze,
Realizing with a blow to your chest,
There is a dilemma and you had to choose,
No sleep at night so damn hard to rest,

Life's taking it's toll and dragging you down,
Wearing makeup to hide your eyes,
Looking less like a human more like a motherfucking clown,

Your eyes are the key to your soul,
Such a young sexy man so out of control,
Caring, attractive and so sensitive,
So willing to share your booze and smokes,
An awesome sense of humor never running out of jokes,

Making people laugh but keeping concealed inside,
Don't be ashamed to show who you are,
No need to wear a masquerade nothing bad to hide,

Do what you're good at fuck with the town,
Wear the latest hot trends,
Hang around the right crowds and you wont offend,
Stick around your peeps and all your fans,
Go to hard concerts and jackoff with the bands,

Don't stay in one spot no need to linger,
If someone has a problem with who you are,
Give em' the shocker and flip em' the finger.

The Predator

Guarding myself from the lust of the other,
Feeling so sick and self conscious,
As I look into the eyes of the hunter,

I have seen this look before from another,
Knowing that he never wanted my love,
But all of me, my body, me, my virginity,

I have promised myself to only one -to my Love.
I belong to only him,
And for him I want to be as pure as the Dove,

Staying here and feeling unsafe,
He always watching but never my eyes,
He says he does not see me in that way,
But those are lies and his actions give him away,

Wearing more and more clothes that cover me,
But knowing from the past that that did not protect me from my enemy,
I don’t want another mans hands upon me,
This is wrong, why can’s he see?

I hate this more and more,
I hate being alone,
I hate the nights,
Knowing that someone unknown could open the door,
And nothing would remain the same as before,

That’s what I find myself fearing most,
That lustful looks in his eye,
That longing look on his face,
And stealing something that could never be replaced.

Witnessing The Unjustifiable.

He only having one bullet,
Looking at his life,
Death or Defeat,
You or the other,
Killing you or your brother,

Standing 6 feet from the gun,
I holding one simple blade,
Pondering if there's time enough...
To grab the others life and take it away,

Before he could move one way or the other,
The shot he fired,
With a bullet in your chest,
And blood where you lay,
Still warm...but yet fading away.

A pulse missing,
Your heart beat skipping,
Life taken on private ground,
Under selfish ways you're found,

Washing yourself could never wash your sins away,
All together you're deemed sinful,
The laws in writing you failed to obey,
It wasn't your given right to take your brothers wife,
She was still his upon sworn words,

Your brother stood in the way of his girl,
Unfaithful as she was found,
Breaking the wedding vows that were bound,
Both of you leaving shameful memories upon your bed,
As he lay dying those thoughts he knew were in his head,

His wife crying over her lovers body,
Her husband standing still holding the gun,
He lets it fall,
Holds his head in his hands,
With the realization of his brothers death,
Although sinful he never wanted to end his life,
His brothers lover...his unfaithful wife.

Receives a suicide call of shame,
Saying everything was on her,
And she was all to blame,

Her husband finds her body broken apart,
Upon the kitchen floor,
Holding a knife in her breast,
A pool of blood flowing from the tile,
In scarlet she wrote with her hand:
This was all for the best,

Going on with life wasn't easy,
But never did he think it would be like this without his girl,
All those memories...that could never be left behind,
Not with his girl on his mind,

Years passed,
But he just indulged himself in alcohol
He could still see her blood stain on the floor,
Everything in his head just as clear as before,

At 1:00am,
Too intoxicated as he was,
He took the same gun that was used before,
Loaded...he shot...once more,
The bottle in his left hand hit the floor,
Stumbling he slipped upon the alcohol to the floor,
A bullet clear through his heart,
Eyes hazed and body tore,

Two scarlet stains remain,
Others never knowing what from,
Never knowing two selfish lives they claimed.

Guilty Pleasure

I know you’re not asking for my advice,
And truthfully I don’t know what to say,
Your sin is not any worse than the other but they all eat away at you like lice,
For everything there is a consequence and a price,

The mind is weak the heart is frail,
The lusts of the body will always show great appeal,
Once you head down that dark engaging trail,
There will always be a time you win and a time you fail,

Becoming enticed,
And soon after losing control,
Then making sacrifices,
Just to feed the addiction all for your satisfaction,

One feels left out and secluded,
Does it help to know that we believe in you?
No one should have to go through something alone,
There is always the one who throws the first stone,

Its an endless addiction,
Always wanting what you can’t have,
Always impure and forever forbidden,
No matter how far you go you will never be satisfied,
And having something wrong to keep concealed and hide,

Going on in this guilty pleasure,
It begins to saturate and destroy the good person that you once were,
There is no sin that is little at measure,

Listen to His voice,
We all face the same lust,
Again and again a never ending cycle of sin,
You have a choice,

Wipe those lustful images away from your vision,
Violate them no longer,
The flag you raise and gain your victory,
Sinfully fulfilling your passions is history.